by LEXi’s Managing Director, Katerina Kerr.
I interact with habitual apologists both professionally and personally, and most of them are women. This isn’t surprising, from our earliest interactions, girls are encouraged to put others first, be polite, and learn to take turns nicely. However, for most women and girls, the words we choose and the phrases we employ can profoundly influence our experiences, opportunities, and outcomes as we explore the world around us.
Even more importantly, language and self-esteem go hand in hand, the language we use has the power to impact how we view and feel about ourselves and contributes towards our level of self esteem. Language shapes reality, and not just the words we say out loud. The internal dialogue we have with ourselves is just as powerful.
As we navigate both professional and personal relationships, it’s crucial to recognise how society’s expectations about female presentation and communication can inadvertently limit our potential.
While politeness has its place (and it’s important to acknowledge when an apology is due), excessive apologising can undermine authority and diminish perceived competence in professional settings. Some studies suggest that the gender difference we see here is actually because men have a lower threshold for what they consider to be an offence. The societal conditioning that encourages girls to be accommodating and likable from a young age, is not going to disappear overnight. So what can women do to reshape our approach to “sorry”?
We can start by analysing if we really have something to be sorry for and instead of apologising, adopt more assertive language. Here are some assertive communication tips to overcome excessive apologising at times when we would normally begin by apologising:
Over apologising verbally and in writing does affect how we are viewed professionally. When we begin to review our use of language we may discover other language patterns that we would benefit from eliminating. Here are a few others ideas for how to transform our professional language.
We must also become comfortable with moments of silence. There’s no need to jump in to fill a void, and confident pauses add weight to your words.
Through conscious language use, we can challenge and change the expectations placed on women and girls. This shift can lead to improved outcomes in education, career advancement, and personal growth. By using empowering language strategies we can also inspire others to speak with the authority we possess – by committing to using language that reflects our competence, confidence, and leadership abilities. Our Language shapes how others perceive us, but more importantly it can also define how we feel about ourselves.
Equally, it’s crucial to recognise that there are, of course, moments when a genuine apology is warranted and appropriate. Being able to readily and sincerely apologise when we’ve made a mistake or hurt someone (even by accident) demonstrates emotional intelligence and strength of character. The key here is finding the right balance – eliminating unnecessary apologies while being generous with genuine ones when the situation calls for it.
